I was at my wits end with my adolescent son. Three weeks into the school year he was arrested for assault. This time he had caused physical harm to another teen. I asked that he be taken to juvenile hall. I explained to the arresting officer a lifetime of assorted attempts to change the destructive course my son was obviously on.
The beginning of the REAL change happened the day we got involved with Restorative Resources. For the first time my son was forced to look at how his actions impacted others in a domino-like effect. The connection was genuine as he had to look at the faces and into the eyes of numerous individuals wronged by the unscrupulous choice he had made on that day. 
 
Through the restorative process he was forced to take responsibility for his behavior and to make a real effort to repair the harm he had caused so many people.

My son concluded this program with astounding personal growth...This is not to say he doesn’t make poor choices now and then; the difference is he takes responsibility for his choices and seeks to resolve and repair harm on his own. For the first time in his life, I believe my son is proud of the person he is becoming.

He Could Have Gone to Prison, or...
We recently saw a newspaper story about recipients of a local foundation’s scholarship fund. We are delighted to see that one of the recipients is a former youth offender whose case came to us at Restorative Resources.
James (not his real name) lost control of a car he was driving, resulting in the death of one of the passengers and serious injuries to himself and three others. No alcohol or drug use was involved. Nevertheless, he was charged with negligent vehicular manslaughter, a crime that is punishable by imprisonment.

But, instead of being incarcerated, a judge gave him the opportunity to try to make things as right as possible, by referring him to Restorative Resources as a sentencing alternative to jail time. 

In a vehicular manslaughter case, it simply isn’t possible to make things right. But it is possible to find a form of justice that is fair and appropriate. The family members of the young woman who was killed agreed to participate, and to share with James how they had been affected.
The restorative conference was very emotional. 
There were photos of the young woman who lost her life placed in the center of the circle, along with candles. The young man impressed all of us with his efforts, which were obviously deeply heartfelt and sincere. The parents and family members of the young woman expressed their grief and anger, but also understood that they were not dealing with a monster; simply a young man who made a very costly and tragic mistake.
As part of his restorative plan James made a short video memorializing the young woman who was killed, and has used it in educational presentations he has given in high schools in Sonoma County. 

He finished high school, is currently enrolled in a community college, and hopes to use his scholarship to help pay for a four-year college in Southern California.

After the car crash, I was very defensive.  The Restorative Resources Conference was the first time I really had to face up to my crime. In the Conference, I heard the hurt and anguish of the families of my friends who died in the crash I caused. 

I faced the reality of what I had done.  Through the plan I developed, I was given an opportunity to begin to heal the terrible harms.”                                              
—K.O., Santa Rosa
 
“One of the things that made this conference so powerful for my son was that he had to face his victims’ anger and hurt. That had a lot of impact on him.”
—A Parent
 
“The program provided all parties involved the opportunity to heal from 
the offense. The plan addressed 
everyone’s concerns.”
—Parent of Offender
 
“The plan the young offender had to follow was far more thorough than any probation or jail time he would have received. Nice work.” 
—Police Officer
 
“I learned a lot from the creation of the plan in the conference. It is an excellent evolutionary process. 
 
As the victim who reported the event, I appreciated the ongoing contact with the young offender as he completed a part of his plan. 
I hope that contact helped him see and understand the human element involved in and affected by his actions.”
—Crime Victim
 
“The conference was a profound example of how things should work in the world. I am very glad to have the chance to participate.”
--Community Member

“I think this program gives the most meaningful and personal consequences. Instead of being rushed through the system, young offenders have to truly face their actions.” 
–Law Enforcement

The story of any agency, including Restorative Resources, can be told in many ways. One way is to give the history: the year we were founded (2002), descriptions of our programs (explore this site--you'll find them there) introductions to our staff, and so on. These are important parts of the story. But in important ways the real story is found in the experiences of those we serve. We've put a few of those on this page. In these stories you may notice a key element of the restorative process. It's embedded in the word "restorative." 
 
For many of our participants, a healing "re-storying" process. This is a process that helps us move beyond the trauma into a deeper, more healing relationship with the wounds we have sustained. Re-storying occurs when we get "unstuck" and begin to see things in new perspectives. We find new words and new ways of telling about the internal landscapes of feelings and thoughts and their impacts on our relationships and work--all the complexity and challenge that follows a crime.

A middle school called to ask for help with a conflict involving 11 boys in fourth, fifth, and sixth grades. The boys had been friends last year, but had now split into two camps along ethnic lines. They were constantly harassing each other, using racial slurs and other insults. There had been some punches thrown. Their behavior was steadily escalating and was affecting the entire campus and spilling into the neighborhoods. 

The First Circle
The first circle included the boys, a Restorative Resources’ circle keeper, and a school safety officer. The standard restorative questions were used to give the boys a chance to clarify the situation, describe how they were affected, and what they thought was needed to make things right. 
While most of them agreed that the conflicts were “dumb,” the main solution they came up with was to “ignore each other.”  

The circle lasted about a half hour. When the boys left they got about 20 feet outside the door of the room in which the circle had been held, and immediately someone called somebody else a name, and the insult was answered, and it nearly escalated into a fight. 

The Second Circle
The second circle included the circle keeper, parents, an interpreter, and several school personnel. The hostility was palpable.
The parents chose seats in the circle that were clearly segregated along ethnic lines; on one side of the room was a row of Latino parents, several of whom spoke only Spanish; and on the other side were Anglo parents, about an equal mix of men and women. Anglos outnumbered Latinos about two to one.

The circle keeper explained we had not gathered to assign blame, but to work together toward shared understanding and finding solutions. It was also explained that it is not the circle keepers’ job to find solutions; it was entirely up to the group to find their own solutions. 

First Round
Using the talking piece, each person was asked to respond to the question “What ways to encourage your child to behave have you already tried?” Each parent spoke to this question at length. Many also spoke about their frustration and confusion with the overall situation. They were very aware of the conflicts and some acutely felt the potential threat to their children, and also expressed concern for the other students as well. 

The Latina women expressed concern about racial content in students’ remarks they had heard about. The Anglo parents agreed that this was an issue and was inappropriate. They all wanted the misbehavior to stop.

One of the Latina moms said that when she went to another campus to pick her child up after school an Anglo woman she didn’t know yelled at her, saying she had no business on the school property, or in the country, and told her to leave immediately. The mom cried profusely as she shared this story and how frightened and humiliated she felt. 

There were many moist eyes in the room as all the participants empathized with the suffering being shared. The woman who had spoken concluded by saying about the circle, “We needed this years ago… why is it only happening now?” By the end of this round all the sense of hostility among parents had evaporated.
 
The circle keeper then explained to parents that when the students came in he would be asking each parent to share how they have been impacted by the students’ behavior. He explained the difference between this approach and the more typical approaches of scolding, punishing, counseling, rewarding, etc. 
 
Second Round
Students were seated so that no two were next to each other. We now had 34 people in the circle. The circle keeper gave the boys a few guidelines and brief summary of why we had gathered. He explained that for the next pass of the talking piece, they were only to listen.

Parents eloquently shared a variety of ways in which they were impacted.
One of the most touching and powerful moments came half way through this round, when the talking piece was passed to one of the Anglo mothers. She leaned forward and, looking at the Latina moms through teary eyes, said that she had been a poor role model for her child, and she apologized. She said that her behavior would change from that moment.
 
In this round other parents also apologized to the group, either for their own behaviors or on behalf their children. 
 
Several parents cried as they shared. Several of the boys cried as they listened.
 
Third Round
By  now the boys had a new understanding of how they were affecting not just their parents, but other parents as well.  It was their turn to speak. 
 
One after another, they shared that they were sorry they had caused so much distress. They demonstrated that they had come to a new understanding of how their actions were affecting others. 
At the end of this round, one boy said, “I think we should all shake hands,” and stood up, walked over to his former “enemy,” and held his hand out. All the other boys rose to their feet. 
While their parents sat in a circle around them and watched, the boys shook hands with each other, shared apologies, and in a few cases embraced. We closed the circle with another brief round.
 
Follow up
A few weeks later the circle keeper visited the principal and asked her how the boys were doing. “Much better,” she said. “They’ve had a couple of conflicts, pretty minor stuff, but you know what? They’re taking care of them themselves.”